


Feelings Like This, They Need A Home

by Ninyaaaaaaah



Series: If All Is Fair In Love & War, I Can't Do This Anymore [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blood, Blow Jobs, High Fantasy AU, John Laurens Is A Healer, Laflams, Lams - Freeform, Laurette - Freeform, M/M, Oral Sex, Polyamory, Slow Burn, Smut, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, hamlaf, mild descriptions of violence & medical procedures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-12 09:55:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11734635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninyaaaaaaah/pseuds/Ninyaaaaaaah
Summary: The war is over, John is home, and life is easy now. Until you count the gaping hole Alex left in his life. Until Lafayette appears in John's life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic title is from "I'm There" by Hey Violet

Everything about John's life now was soft. The war was over, he was home in the capitol, living in a small apartment above a shop in market square, funded by his generous salary from the palace. 

He was one of an army of healers, only the best, working in the palace infirmary. 

He worked four days a week, and rarely treated anything more serious than a fencing wound or a broken bone. 

In his spare time, he ran. Aimless and pointless through the royal parks. Or he painted, even more pointless. 

Sometimes he found himself down in the inner city, sleeves rolled up, working at Peggy's side in the small infirmary she had set up. The palace was too neat, too clean, too easy for her. She wanted to be down here, making a real difference. John helped her with cases of all sorts, people too poor to pay for treatment, or even seek it until things got really dire. 

Gideon and Jothan worked at their sides, quiet and efficient, just like two years ago, just like the war.

John didn't go often though. 

It reminded him too much of things that hurt too much. 

He busied himself with meaningless things instead, filled the time because he couldn't fill the gaping hole in his heart. 

He had lost touch with Alex. 

Never saw him again after the war, never heard from him, and didn't know where to even begin searching for him. 

Trade routes had opened and people had begun to mind. Herc had even left for the shores of Va'an to start his own adventure. Wanted to see the world, wanted to know what was out there, wanted to see for himself if things were truly better now, and talk to the people who'd tell him the truth. John missed him, but he understood why he'd gone, and he received letters often. 

People from Va'an had begun to filter into Lindel slowly, and then into the capitol. 

At first, John had hoped. 

He'd held his breath and waited. 

Hadn't Alex promised to find him?

Hadn't Alex promised that he was John's forever?

Months turned into years and hope withered and shrank in John's heart until there was almost none left. 

Countless nights spent shedding countless tears into his pillow, heart broken and aching and yearning. 

The not knowing, the waiting, the longing... it crushed him. 

On nights it got really bad, John would slink back down to the inner city, find a dingy bar, and pick a fight. Crawl into Peggy's in the dark hours of the night. In the morning, she would patch him up with tight lips and no comment, but the look in her eyes did nothing to ease John's pain. 

-

John was almost done for the day, tidying an already spotless and empty infirmary for what felt like the hundredth time that day. 

It all felt too easy. Too quiet. 

A mind healer had tried to corner him earlier in the day, and he dodged the conversation like he had for the past two years, didn't want to let them in his head to pick apart all the memories he was still clutching too close to his heart. 

The only way he had left to be close to Alex. 

He was startled out of his reverie by commotion at the door, raucous shouting and laughing as a small group of noblemen spilled into the infirmary. 

Jefferson and Madison John know, but only in passing. The third, he did not. He had seen him around, couldn't not notice such a handsome man... but he didn't know his name. 

"Healer! My friend Lafayette is wounded and we need your assistance at once!" Jefferson was all drama, all flair. No substance, as far as John could tell. 

"Alright, alright. I'm coming." John walked over, took one look at Lafayette, and shook his head. "Let me guess, you were fencing. Too much drink, not enough finesse. Jefferson, Madison, you can go, I'll take it from here." John carefully guided Lafayette over to a cot and sat him down, waved Jefferson away when he tried to hover. 

"You caught me." Lafayette grinned a wicked grin, clutching his wounded arm tight, something wild and familiar in his eyes that made John's heart skip a beat. 

"You know I have better things to do than patch up your drunk ass, right?" John grabbed some supplies from the counter - bowl of warm water with iodine solution, a soft cloth - and sat next to Lafayette.

"It doesn't look like it," Lafayette nodded at the empty room. 

John just shook his head, and tugged Lafayette's hand away from his arm. 

Lafayette made a small sound in the back of his throat, and tried to clutch his arm again, pale beneath his joking demeanor. 

John batted his hand away. 

"Stop it. You have to let me look," John dipped the cloth into the bowl of water, and carefully cleaned the blood from the cut on Lafayette's upper arm. The cut was deep, but clean, and wouldn't be difficult to heal. It bled freely, assisted no doubt by the liquor in Laf's blood.

"How is it?" Lafayette's voice was strained, and he was looking pointedly in the other direction, jaw tight. 

John bit his lower lip to hide a small grin, and dropped the cloth back into the bowl. 

"You'll live," John placed both hands on Lafayette's arm, the wound already bleeding freely again, painting John's fingers red. "Ready?"

"Yes," Lafayette gritted his teeth so hard John could hear it. 

John sighed. It was much easier to work on patients who were relaxed and willing. He hated working on patients that were this keyed up. He closed his eyes, let the green light seep gently out from his fingertips, met with resistance, and then sank slow and gentle past it, into Lafayette's body. Easy as breathing. 

The teachers had been right about one thing... after the war, it all felt easy. 

John knitted Lafayette's wound closed with barely a thought. Brought muscle and flesh back together and sealed it closed to leave only the faintest of scars. 

Some of the healers would go as far as to remove even a trace of scarring, and John could, was certainly skilled enough. 

Refused. 

Scars were important. It was good to remember that which caused one pain. 

He pulled back into himself with the same slow, delicate touch he had gone in with, carefully drawing the green light back inside himself. 

He sat back, let his hands stay still, resting on Lafayette's warm, muscular arm for a long moment before slowly reclaiming them too. 

He picked the cloth back up and cleaned the rest of the blood from Lafayette's arm and his hands, then reached out for Lafayette's hand. 

"There. All fixed."

Lafayette let out a long sigh and shot John a rueful grin.

"My deepest thanks. You have saved my life," Lafayette held out his hand, let John was the last of the blood from it as well. 

John laughed and stood up. He dumped the soiled water down the drain and washed out the bowl, then tossed the cloth into the basket for the laundry boys to collect in the morning. 

"It wasn't as bad as all that," John dried his hands on a towel and turned around. 

Lafayette was still sitting on the pallet, hands in his lap. Looking, if John was totally honest, heartbreakingly stunning. He was dressed in cream breeches and a rose pink shirt, hair pulled back from his face... 

John gave himself a mental shake. 

"You can go as soon as you feel up to it, but please don't feel you need to rush," John poured a glass of water and offered it to Lafayette. 

"Thank you," Lafayette accepted the water and sipped it absently, staring at nothing. 

John left him to his thoughts, bustled around tidying needlessly just to give himself something to do that wasn't staring at Lafayette's impossibly beautiful face. 

"You... have a much gentler touch than I'm accustomed to," Lafayette spoke again, and John paused. 

He turned around and looked at Lafayette for a long moment, before sitting on a pallet across from him. 

"It hurts as much from this end to be ungentle," John responded. 

Lafayette looked up at him, something far away in his dark gaze that tugged at John. 

"What's your name?" Lafayette set his cup aside and leaned forward, hands on his knees, and studied John. 

"It's John. John Laurens."

Lafayette held out his hand and John took it, expecting a handshake.

"Ah, Laurens. Son of the esteemed Henry Laurens, I presume?"

John winced, hand still in Lafayette's hand.

"Yes."

"Well. It's lovely to finally meet you, John Laurens. My name is Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de Lafayette, but Lafayette is fine," and of all things, Lafayette raised John's hand to his lips and kissed his fingers, eyes fixed on John's face. 

John blushed, surprised. His heart twisted painfully and he swallowed hard. Retrieved his hand as quickly as he could without being rude. 

"You too, Lafayette," John managed a smile, heart in his throat, pain at the absence of Alex so close to the surface in the face of Lafayette's casual flirting that he felt like he might suffocate under it. 

"Please, may I take you to dinner?" Lafayette tilted his head to the side, watching John.

"Ah... no. Sorry," John stood up as if burned, too shocked to do anything but refuse. Lafayette's presence, his flirting, his proposition, it all stirred up things that John didn't want to think about.

He turned back to the counter instead, tidied bottles that didn't need to be tidied, just to not have to look at Lafayette.

He heard him get up, and stayed where he was.

"I... apologize if I was too forward. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. I do hope we meet again, John," Lafayette spoke softly, and then left, leaving John alone with his thoughts. 

-

Later, John paced around his small apartment restlessly, pain and longing warring in his heart, making it hard to breathe and impossible to sit down. 

The sun set, and John paced, sick at heart, empty and lonely and aching. 

So he tugged on his boots and fled his too small walls. Abandoned wide, cobbled streets for narrow, packed dirt streets and tall buildings that leaned menacingly over tight alleyways. 

He ducked inside the Two Daggers Tavern, set to work trying to drown the empty feeling with liquor that burned like fire down his throat. 

The bar was dark and smokey, full of people who asked no questions and took no shit. Perfect. 

John sat for far too long, drink after drink burning a path of heat down his throat until he couldn't see straight anymore. He left a pile of coin on the bartop, probably too much, and stood. Knocked into someone taller and bigger than him on purpose. 

Took a fist to the face for his troubles, and it was on. 

The liquor and the pain didn't fill the empty space Alex had left in John's heart, but the liquor made it blur and numb. The physical pain just hurt more, for a little while. 

-

He was thrown from the tavern and left in the street, bloodied hands and knees, spitting a mouthful of bloody saliva into the dirt. Pain radiated through him, cut under his eye, split lip, bleeding nose. 

Bruised and scraped and sharp pain in his ribs that meant they were probably broken. 

He dragged himself upright, wouldn't do to stay on his hands and knees in this part of town unless he was looking for more than just a good fight. 

Slowly, painfully, he dragged himself down the street to Peggy's. 

Had to stop once to vomit, liquor and blood and the remains o his lunch splattering the street. 

He let himself into Peggy's small, run down apartment, and collapsed face down on the couch. 

Cried himself to sleep as quietly as he could, tears burning the cut under his eye.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one_golden_sun twisted my arm and made me post this early. You can thank her. :P

John woke with his head in Peggy’s lap.

“John…” She stroked a hand over his head, looked down at him with big, sad eyes that just made everything hurt all over again. 

He closed his eyes, swallowed hard. 

“You don’t know what happened-“ she started, carefully dabbing a warm, wet cloth to John’s eye. 

“Peggy…” he didn’t want to hear it. He’d agonized over it so many times, had sobbed over the possibilities into Peggy’s hair more times than he cared to admit.

“You can’t put your life on hold forever-“

“-please-“

“-just because of a promise made years ago-“

“-just don’t. Peggy. Please. Not today,” John’s voice cracked. 

“Okay, okay. It’s okay, John,” Peggy sighed, and rubbed a finger down the bridge of John’s nose. “Forget I said anything. Can I heal you?”

John nodded. wanted to say no, wanted to keep hurting a hurt that made sense. 

Peggy’s hands settled on either side of John’s head and she pushed gently in with her own green light, darker green like a dense forest, as familiar to John as his own. 

He breathed deep and let her work, let her knit him back together with gentle, sure skill for the hundredth, thousandth time. 

Choked on a sob when she pulled back out. 

She left her hands on the sides of his head, thumbs rubbing circles on his temples. 

“I just miss him so much.” John whispered. 

“No one said you shouldn’t. The war took a lot more than just lives, John.”

He opened his eyes and looked up at her. Looked at the pain in her eyes and felt like shit because he had never asked, just took and took. 

He sat up with a sigh and scraped his hands through his hair. Tugged it back into a ponytail. 

“But you can’t keep doing this to yourself, John…” Peggy stood up, gave him a long look. “…you can’t keep doing it to me.”

John stared at his hands in his lap. Let guilt sit heavy and sour on his tongue and on his heart. 

“I’m sorry, Peg,” He whispered. 

“It’s okay. I get it, John. I do. But maybe it’s time you talked to the mind healers. It’s been two years, you’re not doing anything but opening the same wounds over and over again,” she walked away, into her tiny kitchen, and after a long moment, John got up and followed her. 

“Promise?” Peggy pressed an apple and a hand pie into John’s hands. 

He swallowed hard. Nodded.

“I’ll think about it,” he didn’t look at her as he stepped past. 

“Please,” She followed him to the door, pressed a kiss to his cheek. 

John didn’t look back as he left, walked down the dirty street looking straight ahead. Tried not to let anything too real touch him for too long. Peggy was right and he knew it. But how did he let go if there was even the smallest chance that Alex was coming back?

 _he’s not_ , a small voice in the back of John’s mind whispered, for the hundredth, thousandth time. 

He ate while he walked, crisp apple and savoury pastry stuffed with potato and leek. 

He worked through the day, grateful for the routine to keep his mind on things that were easy, on things that made sense. 

As he was leaving, he caught a glimpse of Lafayette, heading his way. Tried to swallow the way it made his heart jump, and ducked away. 

-

The next morning, john walked to the infirmary in a sleepy daze, had tossed and turned all night with vivid dreams and longing, past and present blurring and warring until he wanted to scream. 

He didn’t notice Lafayette until he was right beside him, holding out a pastry.

“Good morning, John. I picked up an extra this morning, and thought you might like it?”

John blinked, stared at the pastry, and then up at Lafayette’s smiling, handsome face. 

“No, thank you,” John replied, a little too curt, flustered by Lafayette’s sudden appearance, and by the man himself. 

Lafayette blinked, a look of genuine bewilderment crossing his face. 

“Oh. Well, perhaps you would meet me for lunch? I would love to thank you for your healing, and it would be my absolute pleasure to get to know you,” Lafayette tried again, pastry still held awkwardly between them.

John just stared, and shook his head, everything too much, too close, and Lafayette so unexpected, stirring up everything John tried to bury, and a hundred new and frightening things on top.

“No,” he turned, tried to walk away, knew he was being rude and didn’t care. 

Lafayette’s hand snagged his wrist and stopped him in his tracks. 

He turned back to face Lafayette, colour rising in his cheeks.

“What part of ‘no’ don’t you understand?!” He yanked his hand back angrily, just wanted Lafayette to leave him alone. 

Lafayette stepped back, raised his hands in surrender.

“I was only going to say, you should take this. For your lunch,” Lafayette held out the pastry like a peace offering. 

John softened, ashamed of his anger in the face of Lafayette’s kindness. 

“Oh. Um. Thank you,” John took the pastry, at a loss for anything else to do. 

“No, thank you,” Lafayette beamed brilliantly, as if it was John who had given him something rather than the other way around, and he walked away. 

John stood where he was for a long moment, pastry in his hand, wondering what the hell had just happened. 

He shook himself out of his reverie and stepped into the infirmary. His two coworkers for the day jumped to their tasks as if burned, as if they hadn’t just been watching the exchange through the window. 

John set the pastry on a shelf and started in on the day’s work, ignored the sidelong glances his colleagues shot his way, and ignored the pastry on the shelf until his stomach growled so loud that the other healer threw a rolled up bandage at his head. 

“Can you just bloody eat that already?!”

Grudgingly, John inhaled the pastry in three bites, delicious meat and cheese melting over his tongue. Had to admit it was good. Had to admit it felt nice to have someone try to do something nice for him. 

Tried to forget about it for the rest of the day. 

Almost succeeded until, late in the afternoon, a young man knocked on the infirmary door and stepped into the room holding a large bouquet of yellow flowers. 

“Delivery for John Laurens!” He called out. 

Blushing scarlett, John accepted the flowers. He turned the small card over in his hand,

_”I’m sorry._

_-Lafayette_

Dropped his face into his hands and screamed in frustration while his coworkers howled with laughter.


	3. Chapter 3

The next week became an interesting exercise in avoiding Lafayette. 

It was harder than he would have thought. 

Lafayette began appearing everywhere, bringing John flowers, or having them delivered. Showing up in the mornings at the Palace gates and walking John to the infirmary. Asking him out to dinner, every single day, only to be turned down, every single day. 

One memorable afternoon, he even showed up at the infirmary with a paper cut and the poutiest lower lip Lafayette had ever seen, holding out his finger like he expected John to fix it.

And John did. 

It was exhausting. It was overwhelming. Sometimes, it was just too much for him to bear, and on one such occasion John had seen Lafayette coming, knew Lafayette saw him too, and simply turned around and walked the other way. Ignored the hurt look Lafayette shot at him, squared his jaw, and tried not to think about it too hard. 

But at the end of the day, John sat at his easel by the window and couldn’t ignore the yellow flowers sitting in a milk jug, bathed in evening sun. 

At night when he lay awake in tangled sheets, he couldn’t ignore the way Lafayette’s attention warmed him even as it terrified him, couldn’t ignore the things it woke inside him. 

-

John dragged himself to the palace commons, late morning on a day off, the sun high in the sky. 

He had a spectacular bruise under his right eye, lower lip split and puffy. He had cleaned himself up as best he could, drunk and in the dark. Hadn’t wanted to face Peggy’s worry, wanted to spare her, guilt at dragging her into his problems over and over again too heavy in his chest. 

He stretched out on his stomach in a patch of sun in the grassy part of the commons, head pillowed on his arms. People milled aimlessly past, arm in arm, chatting about nothing, or sat in the grass in small groups, just enjoying the sun. John stayed apart, claimed his own patch of grass and sighed as he closed his eyes. Just wanted some warmth. Some quiet. 

Got it for all of two minutes. 

“John Laurens! Good morning!” Lafayette’s cheerful voice shattered John’s peace, and he squeezed his eyes shut tighter, hoping maybe if he pretended not to hear Lafayette, Lafayette would go away. 

Instead, he dropped down into the grass next to John. 

John groaned, and buried his face in his arms. 

“…I take it it isn’t a good morning, then?”

John shook his head, didn’t lift his face from his arms. 

Lafayette was silent for a long moment, then,

“How can I make it better?” Voice soft, genuine, kind. 

“Go away,” John pleaded, words leaving his mouth before he could think about it. 

There was a long moment of drawn out silence in which neither of them moved. 

“…Do you really hate me so much, little one?” 

John lifted his head slightly, peeked at Lafayette through his messy, dark curls. 

Lafayette was watching him, hurt all over his expressive, handsome face. 

“I don’t hate you,” John admitted, guilt pressing heavy on his heart again. Lafayette had been nothing but kind to him, and he had been nothing but mean in return. 

“Then why…?” Lafayette trailed off, tilted his head slightly, watching John earnestly. 

“I just can’t,” John replied. The last thing he wanted to do was spill all of his confused feelings to Lafayette. Perfect, beautiful Lafayette. 

Lafayette picked a blade of grass and twirled it between his fingers. Sighed. 

“Alright. Well, if I stop asking you to dinner, if I stop pursuing you… I would still love the chance to get to know you. I’d like to be your friend, John. Would that be alright?” Lafayette flicked his blade of grass away, and looked at John again. 

John sighed, and relented.

“You’re not going to give up, are you?”

“No,” Lafayette said, and he smiled a smile as bright as the sun, and John couldn’t help but melt a bit, his heart twisting painfully. 

“Alright then,” John lifted his head the rest of the way, let himself smile softly.

Winced when Lafayette inhaled sharply and reached out, touching a gentle thumb to John’s bruised and puffy cheek.

“John! What happened!?”

John hissed softly when Lafayette’s fingers touched his bruise, and tugged his head away. 

“Nothing, it’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” John licked over his split lip, huffed through his nose. Avoided looking at Lafayette’s concerned gaze. 

“It doesn’t look like nothing… John, if you need somewhere-“

“No, no, it’s nothing like that, I promise. Just a stupid bar fight,” John shrugged, grinned, hoped Lafayette would let it go at that.

“But… you’re a healer…” Lafayette looked like he was going to reach out again, but stopped himself. 

“Healers can’t heal themselves, it’s too dangerous. There’s nothing to stop us from just pouring everything out into our own body until we burn out. It’s really easy to accidentally die trying. When it’s someone else there’s usually enough separation to be okay. Same reason healers really shouldn’t heal people they care deeply for,” John explained. He dropped his chin on his arms and looked at Lafayette. Didn’t miss Lafayette’s small shudder, or the way he tensed up.

“That is… terrifying,” he said. 

John nodded.

“Yeah.”

“So…” Lafayette reached out again, touched John’s uninjured cheek gently. “Who heals the healer, John?” He asked, voice soft.

John blinked up at Lafayette, licked his split lip again, and shrugged. 

“Other healers.”

“So… there are quite a few, just over there-“ Lafayette pointed in the direction of the infirmary, and raised an eyebrow “-why do you still have a black eye?”

John shrugged again. 

“Just haven’t gotten there yet. Really, it’s fine.”

“Okay. I’ll let it go. So… what are we doing today?”

Lafayette grinned at John, and John stared back, already regretting giving Lafayette an inch.

“Uh…”

“Great, let’s go!” 

And just like that, Lafayette was up, pulling John up too, and dragging him off, sleepy day in the sun abandoned with one last wistful sigh from John.


	4. Chapter 4

Becoming Lafayette’s friend was a revelation.

He was like a second sun, and it didn’t take long for John to wonder why he had ever tried to push him away. Lafayette bookended his life, filled it up, couldn’t touch the emptiness that Alex had left, but somehow made it hurt less. He wormed his way into John’s life with startling efficiency, and enthusiasm that seemed absolutely boundless.

Lafayette, showing up when john got to the palace with breakfast in hand.

Lafayette, showing up again mid-day with a small treat or trinket. 

Lafayette, appearing again at the end of the day to walk John back to his apartment, sunset warm on cobbled streets.

On John’s days off, they walked down by the water front, or lay in the grass in the commons, talking for hours. Once, Lafayette took John horseback riding, and they rode out of the city and down the country roads from sunup to sunset, enjoying the open skies and the fresh air, away from all the noise of the city. On their return, John’s heart felt lighter, breath freer, even the guilt lifting away for a moment.

Lafayette even got John out to dinner with him. They sat by the window at a nice restaurant, a candle and a single rose in a delicate vase between them. Shared a bottle of red wine, heavy and rich on their tongues, and lingered over their meals, and then desert. Despite his insistence that it was dinner _as friends_ , John allowed Lafayette to feed him the last bite of decadent chocolate cake off his fork, closed his eyes and moaned softly with delight, and blushed scarlet at the way Lafayette looked at him.

Something in John settled and steadied, slow and easy, in the face of Lafayette’s sudden and complete presence in his life. 

At night, John’s thoughts turned to Lafayette – less painful, more present, and John would turn and rut into the tangled sheets, once or twice before catching himself, a sob stuck in his throat, willing his body not to betray him. Had to bite down hard on clenched knuckles to keep himself from giving in and coming with Lafayette in his mind. It was torture, nights long and sleepless and so alone, only to wake up the next day and be greeted again by one half of everything he yearned for, sunny smile and breakfast in hand.

Lafayette was no help, touching John at every available opportunity. Gentle brush of fingers over John’s hand, or arm, or shoulder. Tucking a stray curl behind his ear, fixing his clothes, bumping him gently as they walked, until John was ready to scream with the tension and the frustration, the desire that was hot under his skin…

…and the guilt, heavier on his chest with every moment he spent softening to Lafayette.

“It’s good for you,” Peggy said, smiling a sly smile when John vented to her between helping her fold linens and tidy her small infirmary. 

“How!? He’s going to kill me!” John threw his hands in the air and dropped the bandage he was holding. He picked it up and started again, rolling it neat and tight. 

Peggy laughed and shook her head.

“Let go, John. Move on. It’s time, and Lafayette seems really kind, really invested. Would it be so bad to let yourself have something nice in your life? I know you don’t think you deserve it, but you do.” She set aside the last bedsheet and surveyed the room, everything clean, everything tidy. 

John sighed, and stared down at the bandage in his hands.

“But Alex…”

“Isn’t here, and might not ever be.” Peggy fixed John with a long look, her voice gentle. “Come on John, you have to know that by now.”

“I do. I do. Just… what if…?” John put the bandage away and looked at Peggy helplessly. 

“You’ll drive yourself crazy on what ifs, John. You don’t know what’s happened. Let yourself have this, you’ve earned it.”

John couldn’t help it. What if Alex was hurt or sick somewhere and needed him? What if Alex was out there looking for him? What if Alex was about to show up, the next day, or the next? What if Alex had forgotten all about him, or tried but gave up and found someone new to love? What if Alex had gotten home and realized John wasn’t what he wanted after all. What if, what if, what if.

-

Walking along the sea wall as the sun set like liquid gold over the harbour, Lafayette pulled John to a halt and tugged him back against his chest before John realized what he was doing.

“Hey, what-“

“Shh, little one. It is a beautiful night, let me enjoy the view with a beautiful man in my arms.” Lafayette cut off John’s protest.

“But-“

“No.”

John sighed, and leaned back against Lafayette’s chest, Lafayette’s arms around his waist, watching the ships come in under a pink and gold sky. 

They stood in silence for a long moment.

John had to admit it felt good. Lafayette’s chest was solid and warm against his back, Lafayette’s strong arms around him. He knew Lafayette would let him go if he really protested, but he found that for a moment, he didn’t want to. 

Lafayette made no further moves, and after a moment, John relaxed a little bit. Would it really be so bad to give in to this? Would it really be so bad to let himself have something nice?

How could he, when he didn’t know what had happened to Alex?

“There, see?” Lafayette leaned down, mouth next to John’s ear. “Isn’t this nice?” Pressed a kiss to the side of John’s head.

John swallowed hard, closed his eyes, fought the urge to push Lafayette away.

“Laf…”

“Shh. It’s alright, John.” Lafayette smoothed a hand over John’s head, and didn’t press further.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John finally, finally, uses his words.
> 
> Sort of.

Weeks went by, and Lafayette remained relentlessly charming.

John couldn’t help but smile when Lafayette showed up, couldn’t help but miss him when he wasn’t around, couldn’t help but give in a little more with every passing day. Lafayette showered him with small gifts, flowers and pastries and sweets and little things that made him think of John. Lafayette was always there to brighten his day, to shake him out of his thoughts, to stop him from taking himself so seriously. 

But at night, John was left with only guilt and twin longings, neither dimmed by the presence of the other. 

So he tried to stay away from the inner city, from the fighting, from the liquour. 

Still found himself at a bar on Palace Row, sipping one drink too many. The bar was brighter here, filled with nobles, mages, and knights, better spirits, even had food on the menu. 

Made it harder not to look at what he was doing with a critical eye.

So he just drank more, until he couldn’t see himself clearly anymore, and he wanted to fight and he wanted the dirt and the pain and the grit. 

None of that to be found here. 

John scraped his barstool back and stumbled to the exit. Stumbled off the step and nearly fell, reeling blindly right into two men, fell hard against-

“-John!?”

“Laf’yette?” John clung onto Lafayette’s shirt, nearly pulled it right off his shoulder, leaned hard against Lafayette’s tall body. Strong arms wrapped around him, steadied him. 

“Y’foun’ me…” John slurred. Reached up and palmed clumsily at Lafayette’s face. Swayed. Fell sideways, caught by Lafayette, who swore softly. 

“John are you alright?” Lafayette was looking at him the same way Peggy looked at him, and he didn’t want to see the pity, the worry, so he laughed and he shook his head.

“Nope!” he tried to pull out of Lafayette’s hold to stumble down the street to find something that wouldn’t make him feel like he was on the verge of shattering. 

Jefferson snorted a laugh, and Lafayette hung onto him, didn’t let him go.

“Fuck you Jefferson,” John spat. Maybe Jefferson would hit him, make everything sharp and real and easier to hold in his chest again.

“No thanks.” Jefferson raised his hands and backed away with a sneer.

Lafayette sighed softly.

“Go on without me, Thomas. I am going to take John home. Give my apologies to James-“

“No, Laf, I’m fine!” John protested.

“You are not. You even just said you are not,” Lafayette chided. He shifted, grabbed John’s arm and slung it over his shoulders, one arm still wrapped tightly around John, holding him steady. “Come on. Let’s get you home and into bed.” Lafayette steered John down the street, kept him tucked tight against his side.

John stumbled along, world spinning, Lafayette the only solid thing in his life. He swayed and tripped, held upright only by Lafayette’s arm around his waist.

“Shit John, how much did you drink?” Lafayette huffed, narrowly catching John from falling for the fourth. He brought them to a halt and John shrugged, boneless in Lafayette’s arms, sagging to his knees on the cobbles.

“I dunno. Many.” John gestured grandly and nearly fell over, then slumped into a heap on Lafayette’s feet.

“John, for gods’ sake, get up.” Lafayette hooked his hands under John’s arms and tried to haul him back to his feet.

“No. Just leave me here to die.” John leaned against Lafayette’s legs.

“John. You are not going to die.” Lafayette gave a long suffering sigh, and tried again.

John’s head lolled back and he looked up at Lafayette, world spinning. Had he always been this handsome? John couldn’t help but stare up at Lafayette, his hair loose, shirt undone, leaning down over him. He really was amazing…

“Y’look… you… you’re… your hair,” John couldn’t form the words. 

Lafayette stared down at him and shook his head a little.

Leaned down, and picked John up, bridal style. 

John made an undignified sound of surprise, but wrapped his arms around Lafayette’s neck anyways, head dropping to Lafayette’s shoulder. 

“Laf…” he whined, and nosed against Lafayette’s neck, breathed in his scent, soft, warm skin against his face. Wanted to cry. 

“Shhh little one. I’ve got you.” Lafayette carried him down the street, cradled safe in his arms.

John huffed, and fell silent. Listened to Lafayette’s footsteps on the cobble stones. 

By the time Lafayette stopped, John was lulled near to sleep. Felt warm and protected, and never wanted Lafayette to put him down. 

“Alright. Can you stand, John? Just for a moment?” Lafayette set him on his feet despite John’s mumbled protest.

“Hush. I can’t open the door with you in my arms.” Lafayette kept one arm secure around John as he opened the door, and then guided John carefully inside.

“There. Home safe. Let’s get you up to bed.” Lafayette crouched down, helped John out of his shoes, and picked him up again. 

John buried his face in Lafayette’s neck, holding on tight, his heart beating in his throat. 

He was carried up some stairs, down a hall. Dumped on the largest, plushest bed he had ever seen, thick down comforter soft beneath him, mountains of pillows at the head. It all smelled like Lafayette.

“Your bed?” John asked, struggling clumsily out of his breeches. 

“Yes, my bed. John what are you-“ Lafayette stopped, and laughed as John got stuck in his shirt and fell over.

“Can’t sleep with pants on!” John huffed, struggling, head and arm stuck fast.

“Let me help.” Lafayette’s hands reached out, gently untangled John from his shirt.

Free, John flopped back on the bed, clad in only his underwear. 

Lafayette stared down at him, John’s shirt in his hands. Something charged passed between them, and John squirmed beneath Lafayette’s gaze. 

“….do you need a shirt to sleep in?” Lafayette picked up John’s breeches and draped them over the back of an ornate chair, along with his shirt.

“No.” John rolled onto his stomach, rubbed his face in the decorative pillows, velvet and silk brushing against his cheek. 

“Alright. I’ll be right back,” Lafayette said, something catching in his voice.

John stayed where he was, listened to Lafayette’s footsteps, carrying him away. He was splayed on his stomach, arms and legs spread wide across the bed, room spinning. He felt need and lonely, burned for Lafayette, missed Alex something fierce, felt caught in between. Groaning softly, he squirmed, face brushing the pillows, revelling in the soft comforter.

“Gods, John,” Lafayette muttered as he returned. 

The bed sagged when Lafayette sat down beside John. 

John rolled over onto his back and looked up at Lafayette.

“I brought you some water, and a bowl in case you need to get sick. I will sleep just outside, so if you need anything, I’ll be right there.” Lafayette leaned over, pressed a gentle kiss to John’s forehead. “Come on, let’s get you into bed.” Lafayette helped John sit up, and John fell against him again, nuzzled against Lafayette’s neck and was no help at all in pulling the blankets back. 

“Don’t leave me,” He whined, tugging at Lafayette’s shirt.

Felt Lafayette still against him.

“I’ll be right outside, John,” He replied slowly.

“Stay,” John whispered. Tilted his head to look up at Lafayette.

Lafayette stood up instead, pushed John gently back down and tucked him in carefully, looking everywhere but at John’s face. 

John felt like his heart was going to explode.

Lafayette went to pull away, and John grabbed the back of his neck, pulled him down and brought their mouths crashing together in a desperate, sloppy kiss. 

Lafayette went rigid against him. 

He grabbed John’s hand and pulled it off his neck, straightened in a rush, expression of surprise and pain across his handsome face.

“Stay,” John whimpered.

“You can’t ask this of me, John.” Lafayette stepped back, and John tried to push himself up on one elbow, mostly failed, and flopped back down. 

“Please!” John pleaded, breath catching in his throat as Lafayette took a step back. 

“No. Go to sleep John. I will be right outside if you need me. We will talk in the morning.”

And he was gone, shutting the door behind him and leaving John alone in the dark in Lafayette’s huge bed, his scent all over the pillows.

“But I do need you,” John whispered. 

It was all too much. Frustration and loss and desire for Lafayette boiled over and ripped out of him on a loud sob. He turned, buried his face in the pillow, wishing for Alex, worlds away. Wishing for Lafayette, just outside the door. Felt like a traitor to them both. 

He clutched the pillow tight, soaking the fine fabric with tears, tried to stifle his sobs so Lafayette wouldn’t hear. 

How was he ever supposed to reconcile all the things he wanted, all the things that hurt so much. 

He missed Alex.

He wanted Lafayette.

He couldn’t keep it all buried any longer. 

He couldn’t stop the tears now that they’d started, just cried harder and harder, throat tight and sore, nose stuffy, pillow soaked. 

“John?”

The sound of the door cracking and Lafayette stepping back inside only made him cry harder. 

“Little one, what’s wrong?” Lafayette came back over to the bed, reached out for John in the dark. 

“Laf, Laf, I’m sorry!” John wailed, Lafayette’s hand on his shoulder shattering him. 

“Shh, I’m here.” Lafayette lifted the covers and climbed into bed beside John. Reached out and pulled him close. 

John buried his face into Lafayette’s chest, clutched at his shirt. Sobbed until his throat hurt and he felt sick, sobbed himself to sleep. 

-

John woke up alone, with a dry mouth and a pounding head. He squinted in the morning sun, trying to blink sleep away, and orient himself. 

He was in Lafayette’s bed-

Wait.

“Shit!” John swore as he floundered up out of the pillows and blankets, then groaned and clutched his pounding head. 

Memories of last night flooded in, did nothing for his aching head and the queasy feeling in his stomach. Did nothing for his aching heart. 

He struggled out of the blankets, tugged his clothes back on, panic rising in his throat. 

He headed for the door, would apologize to Lafayette, and get out of his life. Go back to only being his own problem and not inflicting all of his emotional damage on people who didn’t deserve any of it. 

He opened the bedroom door and stopped short, face to face with Lafayette.

“Where are you going?” Lafayette asked, wounded look on his face indicating that he knew exactly where John was going. 

“I- I’m sorry, Lafayette. I shouldn’t have behaved the way I did last night. I’ll just go, I really am sorry-“

“No, you will not ‘just go’, John,” Lafayette snapped.

John’s mouth dropped open. He’d never heard Lafayette anything but patient and kind.

“But-“

“Sit down, John.” Lafayette pushed past John into the bedroom and dropped into a chair by the window, setting his cup on the table. 

John stayed where he was, frozen, for a long moment, heavy silence in the air. He stared at Lafayette, who stared at the table, mouth tight. 

Finally, he took a deep breath, and dropped into the chair opposite Lafayette.

Lafayette pushed the cup towards him. 

“I brought you some juice.” He sighed, and rubbed a hand over his face.

“John. I’m not angry with you, and I don’t need you to tell me everything, but… I care for you very deeply, and this… this was not fair.”

John felt worse and worse as Lafayette spoke, knew he owed Lafayette something. 

“I… I’m sorry Laf. I was an ass,” he began, staring at his shaking hands. He took a deep breath, had never spoke of it out loud. “There was someone. During the war. We lost each other, after. But he promised…” John sighed, surprised at the slight lifting of weight with the telling. 

There was another long moment of silence.

“John… do you think if this person really loved you that they would want you to be sad and alone?” Lafayette asked gently. 

John swallowed hard, shook his head.

“No. But… what if he comes?” John whispered. He risked a glance up at Lafayette, got lost for a moment in Lafayette’s steady, caring gaze.

“Then we will deal with that when it comes. John, I understand. It’s okay. If you truly care for me the way I care for you, then it’s okay.” There was a flash of something far away in Lafayette’s gaze, just for a moment. 

John swallowed hard. 

“I don’t know if I’ll ever stop loving him, Laf,” He confessed, voice hushed, throat tightening, truth fragile in the air. 

Lafayette shook his head. Reached across the table and took John’s hand. 

“You’re not listening, sweetness. I’m not asking you to stop loving him. It’s okay if part of your heart always belongs to him.” Lafayette gave John’s hand a squeeze, and John swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. He was tired of crying. He was tired of hurting and wishing and waiting.

“Laf…” John closed his eyes. Struggled not to cry. “I need time.”

Lafayette stood up, never letting go of John’s hand, and came around the small table. 

“Come here, my love.” Lafayette tugged gently at John’s hand, and John stood up, let Lafayette fold him into his arms and rested his head against Lafayette’s shoulder. “You can have all the time you need, I will still be here.” Lafayette kissed the side of John’s head and John sighed, leaned into the safety of Lafayette’s embrace. Felt, for the first time, like maybe everything could turn out okay.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Posting schedule? What posting schedule.
> 
> I have no self control - here, have Chapter 6! :D

Things settled back to normal, more or less.

Except now, when Lafayette reached for John’s hand, John smiled over at him, and threaded their fingers together. 

Now, when Lafayette stopped to pull John back against his chest, John leaned into him, heads together, and just enjoyed it.

Slowly, John grew comfortable, relaxed into Lafayette’s love, and slowly began to let go of the guilt. 

-

“John?” Lafayette looked over at John, lying on his back in the grass. 

John turned his head lazily, late autumn sun warm on his skin.

“Yeah?” He pillowed his head on his arms. 

“There’s a ball this weekend… I would like it very much if you would be my date.” Lafayette smiled softly, reached out to caress John’s cheek. 

John smiled brightly, ignoring the nervous thud of his heart skipping a beat.

“I’d love to.”

-

John waited for Lafayette outside the palace ballroom, trying not to fidget nervously. His hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and he was dressed in sage green and sand colours that would complement the emerald and black that he knew Lafayette had chosen. 

When Lafayette finally appeared at the base of the stairs, John’s breath caught in his throat. 

Lafayette beamed up at John, resplendent in exquisitely cut black and emerald. He bounded up the steps and caught John in his arms. 

“Look at you, John. You are stunning.” Lafayette whirled him around gleefully, making him laugh, and offered his arm.

Blushing, John took Lafayette’s arm, and they stepped into the ballroom. 

“Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de Lafayette, and John Laurens!” 

John’s heart skipped a beat at the sound of the steward calling out their names together, and he couldn’t help but grin. 

They mingled their way around the ballroom, greeting people Lafayette knew well and John knew in passing, nibbling on appetizers and sipping slowly at champagne. 

After a while, the music began and Lafayette spun John out onto the dance floor. they danced for hours, bodies fitting together like perfection. 

What Lafayette lacked in skill, he made up for in enthusiasm, and John didn’t even mind having his toes stepped on if it was Lafayette who was doing it. Lafayette let John lead on the faster, tougher numbers, and on the slow ones, pulled John close and held him tight, circling the dance floor with eyes only for each other. 

As the night wore on and the guests grew drunker, John’s feet began to hurt, and so he didn’t complain when Lafayette finally guided them to a halt. 

He pulled back just enough to smile down at John, and cupped John’s chin in his hand. 

“John…” he murmured. Pulled John closer again with his arm around his waist. “May I?” Dipped his head lower, watched John’s face. 

Breathless, John nodded.

“Say it,” Lafayette whispered.

John swallowed hard, heart beating in his chest, balanced on the edge of something there was no going back from. 

“Kiss me,” He whispered back. Took the fall, come what may. He gripped the back of Lafayette’s shirt tight, and tilted his head up. 

Lafayette closed the distance and kissed John like John was the most precious thing on earth. 

John whined softly, slid his hand to the back of Lafayette’s neck, melted into the kiss. he parted his lips for the demanding sweep of Lafayette’s tongue, could have stayed in this moment forever, had never felt anything as incredible as Lafayette’s mouth on his-

“AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! ATTA BOY LAFAYETTE!” Thomas Jefferson’s holler shattered the moment, and Lafayette broke away with a soft laugh. 

John twisted to give Jefferson a rude hand gesture, but he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. 

Jefferson just blew him a kiss in response, hanging wildly off of Madison’s neck as Madison tried to shush him, looking exasperated. 

“Shall we go, little one?” Lafayette whispered in his ear.

John shivered with anticipation, and nodded.

“Yes.”

Lafayette’s hand found his and they left the ball with Jefferson’s drunk hollering in their ears. 

They walked in silence, hand in hand, heading towards John’s apartment the moon was high in the sky, cool breeze on their faces. 

Halfway here, Lafayette swore under his breath and yanked John down a dark alley.

“Lafayette what-“ John’s words were cut off by a searing kiss that stole his breath away. 

Moaning softly, John fisted his hands in the back of John’s shirt. 

Lafayette pressed into him, trapped him between his body and the wall, tongue driving into John’s mouth. 

John’s breath hitched, tongue tangling with Lafayette’s. He arched off the wall into Lafayette, tugged him closer. Lafayette yanked John’s shirt from his belt, stroked his hand up underneath, palm flat and hot against John’s stomach. 

“Laf,” John panted against Lafayette’s mouth, felt dizzy with desire. Lafayette rolled his hips gently into John, making his cock twitch as it thickened.

“Should I stop, little one?” Lafayette murmured, thumb stroking across John’s belly.

“No.” John shook his head, every touch driving his arousal higher. It had been so long without anything, not since Alex, and not even his own hand, couldn’t bear it. 

So when Lafayette’s hand closed over his cock and rubbed him through his breeches, teasing, John cried out Lafayette’s name, hips bucking into Lafayette’s hand, his cock rock hard and dripping. 

And then Lafayette dropped to his knees, and John nearly fainted. 

He tangled his hands in Lafayette’s hair, needed something to anchor himself. 

Lafayette nosed at his cock through his breeches, pressed his face into John’s crotch, mouthed the head of his cock through the damp fabric of John’s breeches. 

“Gods, Lafayette!” John tossed his head against the wall, stomach tight with arousal. 

“May I suck your cock, John?” Lafayette breathed, hands on John’s thighs. 

John swallowed hard, almost came just from Lafayette’s question, body strung so tight, so hot. Nodded.

“Please.” Wasn’t sure he’d make it past getting Lafayette’s mouth around his cock, but how could he say no? He squeezed his eyes shut, tried to breathe deep through his nose, tried to slow his body, calm it.

Lafayette undid his belt, unlaced his breeches. Tugged the fabric out of the way and took John’s flushed, dripping cock in his hand. 

John looked down at Lafayette on his knees on the ground in the alley, hand on John’s cock, and felt like he might explode. 

Lafayette looked up at him, their eyes meeting, and then hs stroked the flat of his tongue over the head of John’s cock. 

It was too much, after so long. 

John’s head slammed back against the wall as his orgasm rocketed through him, wave after wave of please slamming through him, come pumping over Lafayette’s lips and chin. 

“Fuck, fuck, I’m sorry!” John wailed, cheeks burning with shame, knees weak. He felt loose and all undone. 

Lafayette stood after a moment, swiping a handkerchief over his face, grinning. 

“It’s been a while…” John closed his eyes, the back of his head throbbing, blushing furiously. 

“It’s alright, little one.” Lafayette kissed him again, slow and deep, the taste of John’s come on his lips. 

John arched against Lafayette, tugged him close again, whimpered into his mouth. 

“Come on, let’s go home,” Lafayette murmured.

“’Kay.” John pressed close, felt raw and cracked open. 

Lafayette fixed John’s breeches, slid his arm around John’s waist, and tucked him in close.

“I’m going to suck your cock properly the second I get you home,” he whispered into John’s ear. John moaned softly in response. 

The walk back to John’s apartment had never felt so long. 

They stopped in the doorway, and John turned to Lafayette with his heart in his throat, suddenly shy. 

“Would you like to come in?” He didn’t know what he was hoping for. 

“I’d like that very much.” Lafayette smiled, and followed him up. 

-

Upstairs, John was suddenly very glad he never kept alcohol at home. 

The apartment was a mess, bed unmade, laundry kicked into corners until wash day, dishes piled in the wash basin. 

“Uh… sorry it’s a mess in here…” John mumbled, blushing harder, seeing the unkempt studio with new eyes. 

Lafayette shook his head, just crowded into John until John fell back on the rumpled bed. 

“What mess? I have eyes only for you.” Lafayette straddled John’s hips, bent low and kissed him, licked into his mouth, sent heat through John’s entire body. 

John moaned loud, tugged Lafayette’s shirt up out of his breeches and slid his hands underneath, hands stroking up Lafayette’s muscular back. 

“Get naked, John,” Lafayette hissed, right into his ear. 

Swallowing hard, John scrambled out of his clothes fast than he’d ever undressed in his life, eyes glued to Lafayette as he sat up, balanced over John’s hips as he stripped off his shirt. 

John’s eyes just about fell out of his head. 

He didn’t think he’d ever seen anything so incredible in his life. 

Lafayette looked down at him, eyes dark, pupils blown, just stared, and John squirmed, cock hardening again under Lafayette’s gaze. 

“Gods, John. You are so beautiful,” Lafayette murmured. He drew a fingertip up the length of John’s dick, made John moan and his hips buck up.

“Laf, please,” John whined, hot all over with desperate need. Lafayette’s fingertip was not enough, not even close. 

“I am going to suck your cock again… can I finger you, as well?” Lafayette traced his fingertip in a slow swirl around the head of John’s cock, had John dripping precome and moaning loudly. 

“Please, gods, please,” John moaned. He twisted, fumbled in the bedside drawer for the little vial of oil he hoped was still there. It was –gods only knew how long it had been since he’d used it. He grabbed it, and passed it down to Lafayette, who shifted down John’s body, and took his cock in his hand for the second time that night. 

John pushed himself up on one elbow, looked down his body at Lafayette, swallowed hard, willed himself not to come the second Lafayette’s tongue touched him this time. 

Lafayette looked up at him, hand sliding to grip the base of John’s cock firmly, and sucked the head of his cock into his mouth. 

“Lafayette,” John’s head dropped back as he groaned his name, hips aching to shove up into Lafayette’s mouth. 

Lafayette moaned softly in response, tongue flickering over the head of John’s cock. He swallowed him deep into his throat, lips hitting his fingers, then sucked back off, mouth tight, incredible wet pressure that made John’s eyes roll back in his head. 

“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh Lafayette,” John panted, fingers twisting in the sheets, already aching, already so damn close. 

Lafayette bobbed his head, flicked his tongue over John’s slit with every pull of his head, fumbled with the oil with his other hand until it spilled across the sheets and over his hand. Stroked his finger to John’s hole and closed his fingers tight on the base of John’s cock. 

John cried out, bucked hard against the pressure, driving his cock deeper into Lafayette’s throat. 

Lafayette huffed, and pulled off of John’s cock.

“Gentle, little one.” He stroked his tongue down the underside of John’s cock, mouthed at his balls. Kissed his inner thigh while his finger stroked over and over John’s tight hole. 

“Sorry, sorry! Fuck, feels so good Laf, I’m so close, oh gods,” John was undone, body falling apart under Lafayette’s attention. The only thing keeping him from coming was Lafayette’s hand squeezing his dick tight. 

Lafayette kissed back up John’s cock, sucked the head back into his mouth, and paused, unmoving, as his finger pressed carefully into John. 

John’s breath caught, and he whined loud, felt so good, felt like he might shatter. 

Lafayette stilled completely, the head of John’s cock in his mouth, finger pressed deep inside him. Waited. 

The orgasm backed off, let John breathe, left him needy and wanting. 

Lafayette loosened his hand and sucked John deep again, finger pumping in and out, stroking over John’s prostate, bringing him right back up to the brink of orgasm again, and cutting it off with a merciless squeeze of his hand to the base of John’s cock. 

Waited again, John’s head tossing on the pillow, unchecked moans and whimpers from his lips. 

Lafayette sucked him deep again, slipped a second finger into him and rubbed over his prostate, made John howl with pleasure. 

“Please Laf, gods, fuck, just let me come, I need to come!” John wailed, panting hard. 

Lafayette loosened his hand. Dug his fingertips into John’s prostate as he swallowed around him. 

“Ohhh fuck Lafayette!” John’s hips jerked as he came down Lafayette’s throat, pulsing around his fingers, his whole body tight and shaking as he rode out his orgasm. 

Lafayette pulled his fingers out slowly, sucked off his cock with a loud pop, and crawled up the bed to pull John close and kiss his temple. 

Moaning softly, John curled into Lafayette, stretched to kiss him, reached one hand for his dick. 

“No little one.” Lafayette caught John’s hand, and John looked up at him, puzzled. 

“Not yet. Tonight is about you, my love, and I am not done making you scream,” Lafayette smiled, and John blushed dark, and nuzzled close.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh look, more angst.

John woke up wrapped tight in Laf’s arms, burrowed deep into the blankets. 

The morning sun streamed in through the window, lighting the room in pale gold. He turned over, tucked his face against Lafayette’s chest.

Felt warm. Felt loved. 

Felt too tight and too close and out of control, swept away on the feelings he was beginning to allow himself to return for Lafayette, and wasn’t sure he was ready to feel. 

He had grown comfortable with allowing Lafayette to love him, but somewhere along the way, he had grown to love him back. Slow and sweet like spring into summer.

Lafayette mumbled something in his sleep, and tugged John closer. 

Guilt crept back in, sat heavy on John’s heart. He felt like a traitor even as he knew he was the only one still stuck on that, even as he knew that after two and a half years, Alex was probably gone for good.

There wasn’t room for all of that and his love in Lafayette’s arms, and it still felt unfair to take shelter there.

When he couldn’t stand it any longer, John squirmed free and stood up. 

He dressed quickly, trying to swallow back the tide of feelings that was threatening to overwhelm him. 

He took one last, long look at Lafayette, still asleep and sprawled in his bed, then wrote him a quick note, and left. 

Told himself he wasn’t being a coward for not waking Lafayette up, he was just letting him sleep. 

Told himself he wasn’t running away from his problems and burying them in work. 

Knew he was a liar. 

The morning passed surprisingly quickly, and John could almost forget that he’d left Lafayette sprawled naked in his bed. 

Until Lafayette showed up at noon, pastry in hand, slow smile on his face. 

“Hell, I brought you some lunch.” Sure. Confident. 

John’s heart skipped a guilty beat. 

“Thanks Laf.” John accepted the pastry, warm and savoury, the smell making his mouth water.

“Break time?” Lafayette tilted his head, and John shook his. 

“Not today, sorry Lafayette. I’ll come by tonight?” John couldn’t help it, needed the space, needed the pause, felt all torn up and raw and out of control. 

“Okay. Have a good day my love.” Lafayette backed off, let John go, gave him his space. 

Only made him feel worse.

-

John found himself too many drinks in, too many hours later, someone else’s fist in his face, his fist in their gut, blood and pain, everything sharp and clear and real and easy. 

Found himself with a knee in the groin, fists in his gut, head butt to the face, hot blood over his chin, bile in his throat, pain on pain on pain. 

Found himself sprawled in the street, rain soaking him through, hands scraped, face scraped, spitting bloody drool onto the dirt. 

Dragged himself up, stumbled against a doorway. 

Put one foot in front of the other and started to walk. 

Found himself at Lafayette’s door. 

“John! Oh gods, John, what the fuck happened to you!?” Lafayette was there, sleep mussed and half dressed, gathering John close, bringing him inside. 

“I’m okay,” John mumbled, stumbled against Lafayette, dripping wet and too drunk to hold himself steady. 

“You are not. Come here, let’s get you cleaned up, gods John.”

John stumbled after Lafayette, let Lafayette strip his soaked clothes off and bundle him into a towel.

“Why, my love? Why do you do this to yourself/” Lafayette carefully wiped the mud and the blood from John’s face, cleaned the stones from his hands, towelled him dry. 

John said nothing, just swayed where he sat, let Lafayette patch him up. 

Lafayette tugged him gently back to his feet.

“Why, John?”

John shook his head, wrapped his arms around Lafayette’s middle and stepped close, dropped his head against Lafayette’s chest and choked back a sob.

“Shh baby. Tell me why.” Lafayette’s arms closed around him, held him close, kissed the top of his head. 

“I just… it’s too much sometimes, to keep it all inside,” John mumbled against Lafayette’s bare chest, words slurred. 

“Then come to me, love. Talk to me, share with me the things that get too heavy to carry on your own,” Lafayette whispered, stroking down John’s back. 

“I can’t, Laf, it’s not fair to you.” John rubbed his face into Lafayette’s chest, clung tight to him. 

“This is not fair to me, John. Coming to me drunk and covered in wounds… how do I know next time you won’t get yourself killed?” Lafayette continued to stroke John’s back, held him close and tight. “I will not love you less, no matter what is eating you up so inside, I promise.”

John shook his head wildly, nose against Lafayette’s skin.

“Hush. Come on now, let’s go to bed, we will talk in the morning.” Lafayette guided John to the bedroom, pushed him gently into bed. 

“Don’t go!” John latched onto Lafayette, clinging tight around his neck, didn’t want to wake up alone in this big bed a second time. 

“I’m not sweetness.” Lafayette pressed a gentle kiss to John’s forehead, and pulled away. “I am only going to get undressed, and then I will hold you all night and not let go.” Lafayette stripped as he spoke, then slid into bed beside John. 

John curled close, slid his leg between Lafayette’s legs, buried his face in Lafayette’s chest as Lafayette tugged the covers up over their shoulders.

“Go to sleep my love. You don’t have to fight your demons alone anymore, I am here.”


	8. Chapter 8

John woke tangled just as tight with Lafayette as he had been when he fell asleep, mouth open against Lafayette’s chest. 

He huffed a soft breath and nosed against Lafayette, body aching with a thousand bruises, both inside and out. 

Lafayette stirred, and pulled back to look at John. 

“Good morning my love. How are you feeling?” Lafayette yawned into his arm, and smiled sleepily down at John. 

“Like I got beat up. I’m so sorry Lafayette, I shouldn’t burden you with all of this.” John pressed his face back into Lafayette’s chest. 

“No. John.” Lafayette’s fingers found John’s chin, tipped his face back up to look at him. “You should come to me. I want you to trust me with the things that hurt you so. You don’t have to carry it alone anymore. I’m here and I want to help, because I love you.” Laf stroked the backs of his fingers over John’s bruised cheek, smiling a soft, sad smile. 

John sighed. Nodded. Actually listened to Lafayette’s words for the first time. 

“You’re too good to me,” he whispered. 

Lafayette shook his head. 

“No. This is how it should be, when you are loved. Nothing more. Please, John, Talk to me.” Lafayette tapped John’s nose gently, and John relented. 

“I just… I feel so guilty for being happy. For having an easy life now. For falling in love all over again. What if he’s out there searching, and I’m here falling in love with you? I don’t deserve to be happy, Lafayette, to get to love you, to have an easy life. It feels wrong. I’m scared, Laf. I love him so much, but I love you too, and sometimes that’s all just too much.” It felt good to finally spill everything he was feeling to Lafayette, who held him through it all, nodded, and kissed his forehead. 

“My love. That is all perfectly understandable. I don’t have the answer for you, but I promise I am here, and I am going nowhere, and if you want to find him I will help you, and we will take it all as it comes. What do you say?”

John didn’t say anything. 

He pulled Lafayette down to him and kissed him fiercely, tongue licking into Lafayette’s mouth, body pressed tight against him. Every little ache, every bruise, just made it feel more real. 

Lafayette moaned in surprise, then kissed John back, tugging him closer with a hand on the small of his back.

John hitched his leg over Lafayette’s him, squirmed against him and kissed him deeper. Desperate. Raw. Needy. 

Lafayette’s hand stroked up his side, then back down, fingers playing over John’s warm skin, tongue stroking into his mouth.

He broke the kiss and kissed down John’s neck, nipped and sucked and teased until John was breathless and needy against him. 

“Laf, please,” John whimpered, tugged at Lafayette’s hair, arched up against him, hard cock rubbing against Lafayette’s hip. 

“Please what? What do you need, little one?” Lafayette pushed at John, gently rolled him onto his back, worried at his nipple with his tongue. 

John gasped and arched up off the bed. 

“You, Laf, please. Fuck, I was your cock inside me,” John panted, hands clutching at Lafayette’s shoulders. 

Lafayette shifted, rose up over John, pressed between his legs, stared down at him. 

“Are you sure?” Bent down and kissed John, tugged at his lower lip with his teeth. 

“Yes. Please. I love you, I want this, I want you.” John tugged at Lafayette’s hair again, squirmed under him, cock dripping on his belly, flushed and needy. 

Lafayette pulled back to stare down at John, considering. 

“Are you sure? You are hurt John, I don’t want to hurt you more.”

“I’m fine, please, Laf, I promise I’m fine.” John begged, bruises be damned, he wanted this. 

Lafayette reached across John to the night table, grabbed a vial from the drawer. Lowered his hips and rocked them slowly, his cock rubbing against John’s and drawing moans from them both. 

One handed, Lafayette poured oil from the vial onto his fingers, used one knee to shove John’s legs farther apart. Rubbed his slick, shining fingers together to warm the oil. 

John watched with hungry eyes, body thrumming with need. 

Then Lafayette’s fingers were pressing between his legs, slick pads rubbing over his hole, stroking the puckered flesh with a gentle, sure touch. 

Lafayette leaned in for another kiss, tongue licking into John’s mouth as his fingers coaxed him gently open just enough for him to wriggle one in. 

John panted against the intrusion, and Lafayette stilled, gave John a moment before fucking his finger gently in and out, slow, careful, until John was moaning again, hips canting up, asking for more. 

Lafayette slid the second finger in, stroking and stretching, and it was almost uncomfortable but it felt good too, and Lafayette kissed him through it all, tongue stealing the moans right from John’s mouth. 

Lafayette curled his fingers slightly, stroked right over John’s prostate, and grinned against John’s mouth when he jumped, a loud moan escaping him. 

“That’s it,” Lafayette breathed against John’s mouth. Pulled back to watch his face as he brushed over John’s prostate again and again with the pads of his fingers until John’s cock was leaking between them, precome smeared across both of their stomachs. 

“Ready, my love?” Lafayette asked.

John nodded, caught his lower lip between his teeth. 

“Yes. Just… go slow, it’s been a while.” Echoed his words from a few short nights ago.

Lafayette paused. Smirked. Withdrew his fingers.

“I’ve heard those words before…” He leaned across John again and rummaged in the drawer. Came back with a small leather cuff. 

“You will be needing his, I think.” Twirled it around his finger. 

John flushed, cock twitching, and nodded his consent. 

Grinning, Lafayette fitted the cuff around the base of John’s cock, and snapped it shut, firm pressure just shy of uncomfortable. 

“There. Now you’re ready.” Lafayette leaned in for another kiss as the head of his cock nudged up against John’s rim, slick with oil, and pressed carefully in. 

“Oh sweetness, you’re so tight, gods…” Lafayette groaned against John’s lips, then pulled back again, watched John’s face as he sank slowly into him. 

John panted against the stretch, hands tight on Lafayette’s strong shoulders. 

Lafayette paused again, cock buried to the root inside John. Stroked his hands down John’s stomach, up his sides, over his chest. Waited, letting John adjust. 

“My love, you are exquisite. So perfect, so beautiful,” Lafayette murmured. He shifted, pulled nearly all the way out, and drove back in, starting up a rhythm that was slow and sweet, every stroke hitting John’s prostate. 

John was glad for the cock cuff, because he would have come in seconds. 

“You feel so good, so tight and hot, John,” Lafayette continued to spill praise from his lips, hot and reverent, hips driving into John, picking up pace, filling John up, over and over and over again. 

John hiked a leg up over Lafayette’s hips, pleasure mounting with every thrust, his cock ripping and straining against the ring, desperate to come. 

“Feels so good, Laf, please, wanna come!” John wailed, breathing hard. 

“Patience, love. I want you to come with me.” Lafayette reached up and gripped the head board, hitched John’s hips up with one hand, and drove into him deeper, faster, hips pistoning. 

“Laf, Laf,” John moaned, orgasm _right there_ , so close, trapped behind the cuff, all of his bruises crying out in protest as Lafayette pounded into him. 

Lafayette reached over, unsnapped the cuff as his hips started to stutter. He fisted John’s cock in his hand and stroked him with quick, tight stroked. His hips stilled, buried deep inside John as he came, pumping John full of come, deep moan on his lips. 

John came harder than he’d ever come in his life, clenching tight around Lafayette as he spilled over Lafayette’s hand and his stomach. 

Lafayette dropped his hand back down to the bed, kissed John slow and sweet while he pulled carefully out. He lay back down and pulled John close, kissed all over his face.

“Lafayette I love you,” John whispered. He felt full and loved and protected. Felt scared and guilty too, but breathed through those feelings, for now. 

“I love you too, John. No matter what.” Lafayette held him close, and John never wanted to let go.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fin.

Weeks passed. John slowly moved into Lafayette’s house. He kept his apartment, clean and mostly empty. 

Falling in love with Lafayette was as easy as breathing, now that he wasn’t trying so hard to fight it. 

There were still moments it all felt too much, when guilt crept in, but John tried to go to Lafayette instead, tried to learn to sit with it all and let it happen, tried to let go of the guilt.

Didn’t always succeed, but began to slowly, more and more often. 

-

He was walking home from the palace in late fall when the heavens opened with a deafening crack. 

John was soaked before he knew what was happening. 

Lightning streaked across the sky and John’s heart twisted with pain, remembering a time so long ago, under a cot in a tent, Alex small and terrified in his arms. 

Hoped that wherever he was, someone was holding him through this storm. 

Lump in his throat, John let himself into Lafayette’s house and padded up the stairs. 

He found Lafayette in the sitting room, standing at the window, staring out, looking a million miles away.

“Laf?” John padded over, wrapped his arms around Lafayette’s waist and pressed close against him, head tucked into Lafayette’s shoulder. From here, they had a stunning view of the storm over the harbour. 

“Little one. You are soaked and chilled,” Lafayette murmured. Held John close and rubbed a hand up John’s goosebumped arm. Didn’t move to fuss over him. 

John looked up at the faraway look in Lafayette’s eyes, then back out at the raging storm. 

“Laf… have you ever been in love before?” He’d been wondering for a while, but never found the moment to ask. Now, with Alex so heavy in his thoughts… he had to know.

“Yes, my love.” Lafayette dropped an absent kiss to John’s head. “Once. There was a soldier, during the war. I do not wish to speak of it yet, John, if that’s okay.” Lafayette stared out, body tight, held onto John like a lifeline.

“It’s okay, Laf.” John stretched up, kissed Lafayette’s tense jaw. 

They lapsed into silence, a puddle growing under John’s feet, watching the storm, both of them a million miles away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so so so so very much for reading, for commenting, for leaving kudos, for yelling at me on tumblr. There's one more planned installment of this verse, and a handful of one shots (most smutty, some not) to come. I don't know when I'll have the next long fic out but I will try not to make you wait too long!
> 
> You guys are the best, and I am constantly stunned and honoured that so many people want to read what I write.
> 
> xoxo  
> Ninyah

**Author's Note:**

> Comments make the world go round! <3
> 
> I'm on tumblr: ninyaaaaaaah


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